Head Lice Union Calls For Immediate Reopening Of All U.S. Elementary Schools


Anchor: A reeling industry makes a desperate plea. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 8:14. The nation’s largest head lice union, representing an industry especially hard-hit by the Covid-19 pandemic, urged government officials to open up the country’s elementary schools as soon as possible Friday. A union spokeslouse told reporters that the situation is dire industry-wide.

Spokeslouse: Many groups have had a tough time during this pandemic. But few have had it tougher than America’s head lice. It is not an exaggeration to say we are in a life-or-death situation. Without children to host and spread us, we are dying in huge numbers, and are nearing the point of being wiped out completely. I myself am only here because I recently found a large group of idiot families in Arizona who let their kids play together in spite of the pandemic. Others I’ve known have not been so lucky. We mourn them all.

Anchor: The spokeslouse went on to say that what the head lice industry needs more than anything is kids gathering in close proximity to one another.

Spokeslouse: We need elementary school-age children back in school, in large groups, braiding each other’s hair, sitting together too closely, generally having heads come in contact with other heads. We need this now, or too few of us will get to enjoy a long, full 30-day life as nature intended.

Anchor: The spokeslouse concluded by driving home his point about the urgency of getting kids back into schools.

Spokeslouse: Governors, mayors, school district leaders, we urge you to get these kids back in school as soon as possible. Without your children, we risk complete and utter annihilation.

Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.