Amazon Offers Pro-Union Employees Same-Day Delivery Of Busted Kneecaps


Anchor: A different kind of expedited shipping. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 4:51. E-Commerce giant Amazon announced Tuesday that it was offering employees in favor of forming a union same-day delivery of busted kneecaps, as well as other perks. A spokesman for Amazon explained.

Spokesman: We at Amazon value every one of our employees, including those considering forming or joining a union. In fact, we value such employees so much that we’re offering them expedited shipping of all beat-downs, same-day delivery of busted kneecaps and the lowest prices anywhere on a nice, long rest with the fishes.

Anchor: The spokesman conceded that Amazon has a reputation as being anti-union, but said that label is completely unwarranted.

Spokesman: We’ve always treated our employees who might choose to unionize with respect. Oh, wait, I forgot. There haven’t been any of those. I wonder why that is.

Anchor: The spokesman went on to say that anyone found leading a union-forming push at any Amazon facility might find a genuine horse’s head has been delivered right to their bed, free of charge. This is WBS News Radio.